I love you I’m sorry we’re closed.

Closing a restaurant is a time consuming and arduous task. Before we can go home, the entire store has to be cleaned and set up for the next day. But before most of that process can begin, customers have to leave. It amazes me that no matter what I do, someone still insists on remaining exactly where they are until I have to tell them to get out. I would rather carry a thousand heavy trash bags through a rainstorm than ask a customer to leave. They always look at me with the same expression of shocked annoyance that I would have the nerve to want to clean up after them. I try very hard to believe people when they say Oh! I had no idea you were closing! Why would they lie to me, after all? So to dissipate the confusion, here’s a few signs that we’re closing you love to ignore:

Scenario 1- 

So let’s say its 8:30 and you need a caffeine fix, but you don’t know if your neighborhood cafe is still open. The first step I would suggest is to run a Google search. These are very simple and often produce very helpful results (i.e. address, hours of operation, phone number). Please be sure to look carefully at the results before you call the store. I get a thousand calls a week regarding our hours of operation.

 

Maybe you’re already parking when you realize that it’s late. So here you are in a nearly empty parking lot. Maybe the emptiness of the parking lot is inviting, so you get out of your car and walk up to the door. Here’s where I ask you to be aware of your environment. Your first clue will be whatever medium the shop has chosen to display either their hours of operation or their open status. At my shop, this is a giant glowing sign which displays all the information you need: open. If the sign is bright, glowing, and inviting you may enter. If the sign is not alight, please don’t come in. I love customers, but after 9 pm, everyone that walks in the door is the enemy. I wish I could pretend that I care about how badly someone wants coffee after close, but I just don’t. I’m very sorry, but we’re closed.

Scenario 2 –

Let’s say you’re in a coffee shop and it’s getting late. Maybe you’ve been here for a while working diligently on homework or “freelancing” and time just flew by. Maybe you’ve met a special someone for coffee and are too busy staring deeply into each other’s eyes to care about the passing of time. Either way, I still want to go home. Whatever reason you have for lingering in a cafe in the evening, there will come a time when your baristas will begin trying to run you out. I have a few things that I love doing in order to “encourage” customers to go home.

Sometimes I turn the music up to a volume over which no one can communicate. This is my favorite, but it doesn’t always work. Mostly it’s just fun for me to throw my own dance party in the shop after hours. When that doesn’t work, I turn the music off so everyone can hear every word you say. I typically do this when I can tell there are some intense conversations happening. If you’re sitting in a shop and one of these two things happens, the best thing to do is to continue your conversation in the parking lot, out of the way of your barista’s cleaning frenzy.

If you notice that your barista has begun stacking chairs on the tables around you, it is time to get out. I don’t do this often because I know some day a chair is going to fall off a table and onto a customer. If this is happening, it’s best that you leave. For your own safety. 

There are many ways your barista will try to communicate nonverbally that the shop is closing. Sweeping floors, wiping tables, and cleaning bathrooms are subtle indicators. Blaring dance music, stacking chairs, and flipping the open sign are less subtle. Please pay attention and whatever happens, don’t make us tell you. 

how to be a regular (or how not to be a creep)

I love regulars. People who love the place where I work enough to come multiple times a week make me extraordinarily happy. To put it into perspective, I spend 60% of my time at work 30% of my time at school and more than 9% of my time with friends and less than 1% of my time in my bed. That means that the people who spend their time in my cafe are the most consistent parts of my life.  Some of them I love in a special way- like the guy who sleeps in the corner or the lady who wears glitter and floral jumpers every day of the week. Most of them remind me how amazing people can be. But some of them can be weird. They can be very weird. So, as a regular and a person who has regulars, let me tell you a few do’s and certain don’ts.

do. 

Ask your barista questions.

Stick to questions that pertain to things you obviously have in common- i.e. coffee, hair texture, sleep deprivation. Make connections. Give your barista a chance to get know you without telling her your whole life story in a few brief interactions at the counter. Short conversations are the key. If your barista doesn’t feel like she has to remember what your childhood dog’s name was, she’ll be more likely to remember your name or order. 

don’t.

Ask your barista mega personal questions.

It isn’t outrageous to ask your barista personal questions 100% of the time. However, you wouldn’t approach a stranger sitting at a table and ask them what his mother’s name is and where she went to high school. In the same way, you should not walk up to the counter and ask your barista personal questions out of the blue. Questions like “where do you go to school” are only appropriate if your barista has mentioned something that would obviously imply that they are seeking further education. If you saw your barista at a concert last week, it’s okay to let them know, but don’t ask the names and relationships of the people you saw her with. Its creepy.

do.

Be friendly with your barista.

It’s my job to be friendly. The people who consistently make that easy for me to do are my favorites. I can remember peoples’ names and drinks when they help me out. If you don’t already know, hospitality is tough. Odds are that by the time you walk in to a coffee shop, your barista has already been talked down to, disrespected, or had to sell the last chocolate chip cookie when they really really wanted it. So when he smiles and asks you how you are, answer him. Then ask him how he’s doing and wait until he answers to begin ordering. Be courteous and patient because I promise we’re trying. It is important, however, not to take this tip too far.

don’t.

Be too friendly with you barista.

Like I said: it’s our job to be friendly. But sadly, being friendly doesn’t automatically mean that you are best friends with your barista. You’ve got to be patient. We see 1000 people a day. Don’t be heartbroken if you see your barista in Trader Joe’s and she obviously doesn’t remember your name. It doesn’t mean you aren’t valued, but you must know where you stand. Avoid Facebook friend requests until your barista is aware that you do, in fact, know her first and last name. Also understand that the personal information that you volunteer to your barista, especially when that information wasn’t asked for, doesn’t have to be reciprocated. I don’t need to know how much your dog’s medication costs, and you don’t need to know how much I owe in student debt. There is a such thing as knowing too much… 

It is important that you feel comfortable in your favorite cafe. Most of that comfort is directly related to the way you interact with the person at the counter. Don’t be discouraged if you haven’t gotten a Christmas card from your barista yet. Maybe we haven’t exchanged phone numbers yet, but I promise, you make my day. And I hope it makes your day when I write your name on your cup before you remind me. 

the pumpkin spice latte

My sister asked me this week about my thoughts on the pumpkin spice latte. I will begin my answer with a fact and then explain why I feel this way.

The fact is, I don’t hate pumpkin lattes. *gasp* Their very existence does, however, drive me absolutely insane.

I get it. It’s fall. The wind is crisp; the leaves are changing; the mosquitos are dying- the season is magical. I like to celebrate this beautiful time of year by eating an embarrassing amount of soup and roasting marshmallows over a fire in my back yard. Others need to fill their bellies with pumpkin flavored beverages with obsessive enthusiasm. I respect that.

At the core of my pumpkin latte frustration is that it fuels the same sugar obsession I discussed a few weeks ago. If you can be honest with yourself and admit that you are craving the pumpkin flavored syrup, not the coffee it is masking, I’ll be proud of you. In a similar way, I often announce that I’m craving Chickfila sauce. Not because I don’t also love those nuggets, but if I’m being honest with myself, I crave that smoky honey mustard flavor.

Admittedly, I do hate pumpkin lattes a little bit. Mostly because approximately 1000 people ask for one in the shop I work at every day. When I break the news to them that we are not, in fact, Starbucks and we do not carry a pumpkin spice latte, I watch the blood rise to their cheeks, their eyes well with tears, and their teeth clench in anger. For this reason, I hate that the pumpkin latte exists. If you are not at a Starbucks location, take caution when approaching the counter. Go ahead and accept that there is a distinct possibility that what you crave may not be available and open your mind to alternatives. I recommend getting a latte with honey, vanilla and cinnamon sprinkled on top. It may not taste like your grandmother’s pumpkin pie has been melted down and poured into your latte, but its still a tasty fall treat.

better decisions (things that don’t exist)

In an effort to help a woman decide on her drink, I asked her what she usually drinks. When she told me that she usually makes a French press with Folgers, I had to stop myself from reaching for her hand. I took a deep breath and offered to make her a French press with something better and she agreed. Maybe I changed a life that day, or maybe that sweet woman still pops open her flavorsealed plastic container of Folgers every morning. At least I tried.

I had to accept long ago that I cannot shame people out of drinking bad coffee. People are going to do what they want no matter how strongly I encourage them toward better decisions. So, because I can’t make decisions for everyone, at least I can make them more informed about things that do and do not exist (or at least shouldn’t).

1. There was a BP station down the street from my house growing up that had a big machine with the words “hot, fresh cappuccino” lit up on the front. The instructions were to fill a cup halfway with black coffee and then place it under the “cappuccino” machine which would then dispense a hot, flavored dairy product into your cup. This is not a cappuccino. Because these machines exist, or perhaps because saying the word cappuccino makes one feel sophisticated, I have to explain to people daily what a cappuccino is: espresso, milk, and milk foam. Traditionally, all the parts are equal, but because we are who we are, we want more. Unfortunately, large cappuccinos do not exist. Anything larger than 12 ounces is just a foamy latte. If you were to remove the lid from your 16 oz cappuccino after you run out of liquid, you would probably find a pile of milk foam still sitting at the bottom. Unless you just really love plunging your whole hand into the bottom of the cup and scooping that bit of leftover foam into your mouth, go with a 12 oz at most. Or I could get you a spoon if you want.

2. An elderly man used to come into the cafe I worked at in high school and demand his latte at exactly 180 degrees. Every time he would walk in the door, my eyes would fill with tears because I knew I had no choice but to burn my hands with hot dairy. My theory on this particular man is that he was so old he no longer sensed heat and could no longer taste. Besides the fact that I sustained first degree burns every time he ordered, I was sad for his lost sense of taste. This is because extra hot lattes should not exist. Milk is a complex thing. When steamed correctly, milk changes the entire coffee experience. (Coffeegeek.com has a great guide to frothing milk.) Nerd corner: milk is built of proteins, fats, and sugars. The way heat is introduced to the milk will either work with those sugars or destroy them and everything they stand for. Because of this delicate, sciencey balance, milk should not be heated to more than 150-155 degrees. Any hotter than that and you’re left with nothing more than scalding hot dairy. I think people don’t realize how bad burned milk tastes because after the first sip they no longer have functioning taste buds. Maybe they like the burn…

3. Watching people make decisions can be both infuriating and entertaining, especially when they work through things verbally. Sometimes when I realize that they genuinely are only talking to themselves, I let my thoughts wander to my sidework or the assignment I have due tomorrow until I hear them reach a decision. … but I don’t want to be awake at three in the morning so I’ll do it half-caf. My heart sinks a little because they don’t even know that half-caffeinated coffee should not exist. What difference is fifteen grams of decaffeinated coffee really going to make at 3 a.m.? Especially when the cost is drinking decaf at all. Additionally, unless it’s 9 p.m. and you’re ordering a quad shot red-eye, you’re probably going to be fine at 3 a.m. If you’re really worried about the caffeine, try doing an 8 oz drip coffee or an au lait. Or (and this is going to contradict my previous essays) drink dark roast. Despite its ashy undertones, dark roasts are much less caffeinated and the low acidity is great for the evenings, especially if you have heartburn.

I won’t pretend like I’ve never had a cup of Folger’s or that I’ve never used a paper towel as a coffee filter. Bad coffee decisions, like all bad decisions, are a part of life – whether we’re desperate, misinformed, or we just don’t know any better. But it doesn’t always have to be that way. We can make better decisions.